Thoughts of Sania

 Will you call out my name when I leave? Will it carry forward like a whisper in the breeze? Will tears shine in your eyes once the shock subsides? Will you wail or sob once you realise, That once again, you’ve been left behind. Cast aside and forgotten, like that hobby That you gave up on when you were twelve. I don’t mean for you to feel that way and I hope I don’t hurt you too much, When I go to perform my next big show. You were never meant to be a part of my crew, And our goodbye had been long overdue. I am a solo performer, not bound by your pack rules. I stay for a minute, then leave because my heart wants to. All for the sake of your feelings, I halted myself. But the halt couldn’t be stretched any longer For I had places to be and things to see. The newest horizons called my name And I really wished to step up my game But for your sake, I halted for a minute A minute that was too long and A minute that was too short, All at the same time, bound by everything sublime. This ...

There once was a little girl  Who was put to sleep, So that an end could be put To her fated misery. She never got to know once What had befallen her- Because she was taken away before The nightfall could come crawling to her. Despite all her fights, She had only ever seen daylight, Glistening drops of dew on petals With all things fresh, beautiful and bright. The dark was never allowed  To be anywhere near her Rose-colored-glass sheathed eyes Or wherever she put her sights. She was a soulful little girl, With a spirit wild and untamed. How she longed for the night, Even though that never came Because of how much  The twinkling stars were famed.

 A head full of thoughts, a notebook filled with ideas But a mouth full of silence with eyes on a distant land Devasted and inconsolably weeping inside Because I have to see all my prospects die As they suffocate with longing and slowly crumble to death I have so many schemes in mind for you and me I say to my newest idea that I received But now, all it gets to see is my back as I leave Wishing it left me and not the other way around Heartbroken as I  walk away and it falls to the ground I can't even rejoice in the fact that I have the power To make these ideas keep coming back to me  As I keep giving them hope of their release repeatedly For I know that the day they decide that enough is enough They shall desert me completely and life will be tough It's not that I don't want to speak up, it's just that I can't I lack the courage in my little heart, and I want to be included And not be called weird for believing and thinking different From all of those who have set ...

Curled in a fetal position at death's door There is nowhere else to go Nobody to whom she wants to show The depressed self that hates everyone and everything Hates all of the glamour of this world and the bling She said she hates it here, she feels trapped  But to everyone else, she is just entranced By what those voices make her do Even though what they say isn't necessarily true In her mind, she is brewing potions Of insecurities and false notions Everything fueled by what they say to her  Every feeling she has forgotten is now coming back And it is making her feel rotten She has already crossed the bridge  That most can't follow All that just so that she can wallow Without people telling her to be Grateful for all that she has been And to look forward to a better tomorrow Will she find peace here at last? She wonders  But then her mind begins to wander And that fallacy of peace is squandered The voices come in again and plead guilty As she is buried in the sand wi...

 My shaky hands try grabbing onto The gentle mummers of your voice As you pass me by like wind, I try holding on to every shred As if letting you go is a sin. If I possibly could, I'd hold on for eternity and I'd cherish your antics eternally. If forever really was a thing, We'd be woven together for good, Seeming everlastingly happy, To all those who looked. But now, all I can muster up are Despondent cries and anguished sighs. Because now that you're gone, I'm left to wonder what I'll see, If I were to stare into the mirror for too long. Will I see more of you than me? For every part of me is  Imprinted with the lies of  'Forever,' you once told me.

Staring at the screen all day long I know this isn't where I belong I look at old photos of us from time to time Being reckless in the stages of our prime Frolicking and laughing under the sun Truly thinking that with each other, we had won. My eyes are now always on a distant land Where she resides and I'm meant to be But how do I get there? That's unplanned Years ago, I meant to ask- "Take me with you when you go?" For I knew she was a rolling stone But it was too late she had already left. Discarding me as if I hadn't waited For her and for her upcoming quest. Dwindling down I cry for her to come back And not break our 'sister's forever' pact But once it all settled down inside, Heartbroken and miserable, I felt Knowing these feelings couldn't be helped Because my yearning to leave with her It was so emphasised, it was so strong And my stay in this place without her It felt so sullen and it felt so wrong.

My love is mine, all mine I wish I could let you know that too Because you seem to use it all the time. You crossed the lines I drew. All the precautions I insisted you have, Into the wind, you threw. All the boundaries I made, You disregarded them all, And I just watched them fade. After you're done with your torment, If I'll be able to pick up all my pieces, I'll join them together before I lament. After you're done with me, I'll never let my love be  Departed from me. If it were up to me, I wouldn't share it Even if I were to perish  I'd perish holding on to it. Because it's my love, all mine.

 What are you thinking? I ask you as  I lie beside you, clueless and insecure With your face under the moonlight looking so pure While we look up, stargazing, at the beach You smile and tilt your head towards me And all at once, all of my worries flee You didn't answer my question but I know From the look on your face and that glow. You were thinking about us, weren't you? Our near future of togetherness wherein You and I are blessed with worries so few Not because we are oblivious to the hereafter but  Because our good times are long due. I smile too, and you say I look beautiful Especially with the moonlight reflecting on my face,  And with that praise, I lock eyes with your tender gaze Which soothes me and puts my mind in a calm haze. I wish this day never ends, I pray to the shooting star That I almost missed as I was looking over to you And I know you saw that shooting star too and  You probably wished for the same thing too Even though you say you don't be...

 Maybe you were meant to always thrive... Not just survive, but actually live a life But, what if now, in the midst of all this gloom, Was the best moment of your life? You just didn't realise that it was Until all the other moments came crashing down Without even making a sound 'Life could be better than this' Or so you always thought. So you kept working for it But 'this' is what you got. Now, you're just looking back at life Feeling all distraught, because You failed to think that life could be worse Maybe you were meant to be happier Meant to live a life filled with delight But what if, right now, was the moment That you'd ever be the happiest in your life Because what if, right now, things are the best The best that they could've ever been And you just failed to live the moment   You're probably thinking If 'this' is the best, then I don't want it I'm sure there is better out there... I'll work hard to get those things that I...

When I pull back the curtains To unveil a nasty, worn-out door Instead of a pretty window with Sunlight infiltrating through the glass And seeping through the beautiful view Of pretty flowers and freshly mowed grass I don't expect to see still, what I know Is inside the rickety, run-down room Behind the nasty, worn-out door. It takes me in disbelief and surprise And I have to take a moment to reprise My previous role as a caretaker  I was here to clean up and straighten out The room that had never seen better days Diligently caging the omens of former times Desperately trying to help change the past As if it was a beloved, honourable  craft Even though there was no way it could last. As I entered the room, it began to shake  With memories of the past in its wake. I saw shadows of the man who had Followed me in the empty street As I heard nothing but the quick pace Of my tiny, tired childhood feet. I ran and ran until I couldn't anymore Away from the man and away from The ...

I want to write a story But the plot isn't that interesting With people arriving at the wrong times But never staying through tough times I want to write a story But the main character is too boring Enchanted by the outside but Not enough to leave the comfort of inside I want to write a story But the main character thinks too much With her thoughts twisting in her head Making up scenarios that bring her dread I want to write a story But the setting of it is drab and small With nothing to see in there  Just a few buildings standing tall  I want to write a story But I'm so uncertain about everything I don't know where to begin I also don't know how to begin I want to write a story But I can't differentiate the head from the tail And neither can I sit still because All I know is how to make excuses and wail I want to write a story on my life But I guess that's me and my  Thoughts that are too farfetched Because who would ever be interested in me? To read about my l...

I don't want to talk about myself. There won't be time left for that anyway Once we begin with the conversation About the various troubles you've faced. I want to know how your day was It defines my day after all Tell me about the problems that befall Whatever they are; big or small. I can clearly see through you I know when you are sad I sense it when you get mad All I hope is that I get through to you To impart my aged wisdom's gift Is this mature mind's only wish But for that, I need you to let me in And give me a little space within I'm here for you more than anybody else Who was there for me back then  And my aim is to make you free From all the clauses that were imposed on me  I can see how you want to solve The mysteries of this world unaided  I often hear you rage and say,  "Mother, please don't interfere" But darling, I am mother  And I can't help but fear That something might go horribly wrong Even though I know you are strong And you...

Why don't these flowers blossom Like the same way they did last spring When you made that daisy ring To put on my finger I wish for these flowers to regain that bloom And pull me away from my gloom I just want to encounter and perhaps ensnare The splendour of those flowers again I only want what you had Your magic touch to my daisy bush That made it bloom through your mystical ways Even in the worst weather and on the harshest days I wish for you to be here and near again So that you can look after me and my daisy bush And complete that beautiful daisy chain  That we started pointlessly and in vain. Thinking that we had all eternity To grow our family and fraternity.

I see the spring come I see the bloom Pretty flowers everywhere Like the kind I used to put in my hair But it is nothing I care about, furthermore I doubt there is anything I really care about anymore I see the blossoming life I see children's smiles Laughing like there is no tomorrow Living carefree, as if they've forgotten all sorrows It is nothing I desire, wish or want Because in the end, it's those memories that haunt. I see the radiant glow of the places I see the warmth in them Like an inviting dwelling, a pleasant home A place you go to when the wrong cards are shown But if I'm to stay, how long is too long? And even if I go in there, how will I belong? I've seen the winter come I've seen the spring go I guess I'll live a few seasons more Just to see how long till everyone goes It's as if I've been sad for so freaking long That I have to get used to being forlorn  Because nobody stays once the time is up Everybody chooses to just give up.

 Feels like I'm watching me from a distance Doing something I can't tolerate 'Something' sane me wouldn't even think of doing Being 'someone', sane me wouldn't dream of being I told myself I shouldn't go there  But this rebellious nature begged for  One last visit to the land of nowhere As if last time's pain wasn't too hard to bear Being here, I wish I never had come because Being here, I have nobody to blame but The stubborn nature of my core Which always got my heart sore I wish to go back to where I was But maybe I wasn't meant to be there  Maybe that pain wasn't meant to be beared Maybe it was meant to be shared By the desolate entity that silently traded my place.

I want the sun to shine kindly on me The same way it does on her. She got a beautiful tan on her brown skin Which shone almost as bright as her Beautiful brown eyes, always twinking with delight. But you can't really tell the sun what to do Or how to shine upon its people You can't tell the sun to shower you with  The same grace it showers on her. So I learned how to befriend the moonlit skies And learned how to stride the powerful highs. The stars shone upon me with mercy Leaving me to feel its gentle lustre with glory. I let the dark consume me whole Until nothing of me could be seen Always being careful to not get lost  In the haze of 'what could have been'. But nothing could stop me from wondering that If she were to leave the sunkissed side And wander upon the moonlit side of mine Would she be as stunning here as she is there? Because it seems to me that she's stunning everywhere  

  You so wanted to be a star once you departed Now, I want to be one too, just so we won't be parted I need not search much, I need not even try The brightest star in the night sky I know that it has to be you Because who could ever compete with you? I only wish you were here with me So we could look up and see  All the glamour shining on us And make a loud happy fuss Debating who did what to shine so bright Giving the night travellers so much light.

When we were out and about I felt no ache, everything was okay. In all the places that we roamed, We had gleeful smiles that stretched for miles With sunshine hitting in all the right places We breezed through and conquered all the mazes. Because you and I, we belonged together. Like the shore and the sea We'd clash when we come together If only you and I could stay together Like magnets do, finding their way to each other We'd have fun, racing into our forever. But what we had is lost and long gone. The memories in my head being the only sign That the storm had raged on and on Until it was on no more, and the winds had begone Tarnished houses with floundering roofs were left behind Until the reputation of stability had to be redefined. With the storm’s depart, the worst was gone And despite losing my heart, I was forced to move on Feeling I got robbed of everything I once wished for I had to build another home and find another reason to live for Because even though the storm i...

You see that I'm writing a lot these days You wonder what I'm writing about Neither have you asked me questions, Nor have  I given you the answers I write about if you saw me crying the other day Begging and pleading for the pain to go away I write about if you care enough, To come and ease the pain away  Of course, you care, you just don't know how to show it Of course, I know that, but I'm still hung up on the ways That you choose to love me instead of  The ways that I deserve to be loved I stare at the wall a lot these days too I wonder if you've noticed that as well Since you seem to notice everything But just not care enough to intervene I know why you don't intervene You don't want to have any part in my inevitable doom But maybe, I wouldn't be so doomed If only you were to intervene.

During my nights of terror I wept in solitude Waiting, hoping, praying For you to  come  rescue me From the  ghost,  I saw in the mirror My own reflection scared  me I was terrified of what I'd do If the world saw the  face  I see every day Because mirrors always show the truth Even if you want to disagree One can never disagree with their reflection All one can do is avoid it at all costs Hiding, concealing and suppressing Till one fools itself, saying it went away In order to  not cause more destruction But it always does cause destruction , doesn't it? Perhaps, it  is meant  to, Meant to destroy every bit of me and Leave no trace I ever existed Because, anyway, I never fit I never fit in this world of perfects The flawless, graceful and idyllic And maybe you knew that  too For never once did you come to rescue me Because I was full of defects.