Thoughts of Sania

You see that I'm writing a lot these days You wonder what I'm writing about Neither have you asked me questions, Nor have  I given you the answers I write about if you saw me crying the other day Begging and pleading for the pain to go away I write about if you care enough, To come and ease the pain away  Of course, you care, you just don't know how to show it Of course, I know that, but I'm still hung up on the ways That you choose to love me instead of  The ways that I deserve to be loved I stare at the wall a lot these days too I wonder if you've noticed that as well Since you seem to notice everything But just not care enough to intervene I know why you don't intervene You don't want to have any part in my inevitable doom But maybe, I wouldn't be so doomed If only you were to intervene.

During my nights of terror I wept in solitude Waiting, hoping, praying For you to  come  rescue me From the  ghost,  I saw in the mirror My own reflection scared  me I was terrified of what I'd do If the world saw the  face  I see every day Because mirrors always show the truth Even if you want to disagree One can never disagree with their reflection All one can do is avoid it at all costs Hiding, concealing and suppressing Till one fools itself, saying it went away In order to  not cause more destruction But it always does cause destruction , doesn't it? Perhaps, it  is meant  to, Meant to destroy every bit of me and Leave no trace I ever existed Because, anyway, I never fit I never fit in this world of perfects The flawless, graceful and idyllic And maybe you knew that  too For never once did you come to rescue me Because I was full of defects.   

Don't wanna be in bed all day long. Wanna go out and have some fun Make new friends and chatter along The desire to be out, it's so strong. Being in bed, it ain't that fun I wanna go out in the sun Laugh for ages, make some daily wages And strive to please no one. There is so much I haven't done Being the best version of myself, Or simply falling for fun All because I'm always on the run. This burning angst won't leave me It's messing with my flow Nobody believes me when I say That I've tried to tell it to go. Exhaustion kicks in and I'm Too out of it to even lift a finger I try to shut it out But trepidation will always linger. So, back to the bed, it is for me Back to my restless reverie I'll dream of a better life there And pray for it to come true.

If I were a poet, I'd fear words failing me. If I could sing, I'd cower at losing my voice. If I were a dancer, I'd dread losing a limb. But here I am, with nothing; no need to be afraid, Still, trepidation courses through my veins, Setting my nerves ablaze. What do I owe the displeasure to? I question every little thing that troubles me And ultimately end up questioning myself Because, at last, am I not the cause of my own agony? Why do I even need to be afraid? Even if my demise is tomorrow What is it that I'm so afraid of losing? With these thoughts in mind, Shouldn't I be living as free as a bird? But here I am with foreboding angst outlaid.

If I'm brave enough to cut deep enough Will I be able to cut off All the portions I dislike? Tear those away from All my remaining flesh and bones In hopes to salvage what was left behind Once they're gone I'll convert the scars into something beautiful Like one covers a bad tattoo But till those parts of me are here I'll weep and hope for courage to never come Because, perhaps, I hold beauty in this eccentric way too   

I   despise strong emotions, I get overwhelmed easily. I don't like strong sentiments, Yet they engulf me repeatedly.   I'm no glorious soul, I get antagonized frequently. I hate powerlessness, And I tend to want control. So what do I do? I come up with lies, I deceive. I live the facade, Because I'm always ready to flee. I hide behind my delusions, To preserve what's left. Then I work my way up Skillfully crafting many more illusions.

 BEING CHEERFUL Is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you smile, When life makes you lose and bend Why is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you hope for better When given the stick's short end. All I see are moping faces Trending by grieving Grieving to their latest sorrow Having no hope for tomorrow. Is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you stand tall, Even after your own downfall. Why is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you cheer, And drink to your competitor's success's beer.