Thoughts of Sania

During my nights of terror I wept in solitude Waiting, hoping, praying For you to  come  rescue me From the  ghost,  I saw in the mirror My own reflection scared  me I was terrified of what I'd do If the world saw the  face  I see every day Because mirrors always show the truth Even if you want to disagree One can never disagree with their reflection All one can do is avoid it at all costs Hiding, concealing and suppressing Till one fools itself, saying it went away In order to  not cause more destruction But it always does cause destruction , doesn't it? Perhaps, it  is meant  to, Meant to destroy every bit of me and Leave no trace I ever existed Because, anyway, I never fit I never fit in this world of perfects The flawless, graceful and idyllic And maybe you knew that  too For never once did you come to rescue me Because I was full of defects.   

Don't wanna be in bed all day long. Wanna go out and have some fun Make new friends and chatter along The desire to be out, it's so strong. Being in bed, it ain't that fun I wanna go out in the sun Laugh for ages, make some daily wages And strive to please no one. There is so much I haven't done Being the best version of myself, Or simply falling for fun All because I'm always on the run. This burning angst won't leave me It's messing with my flow Nobody believes me when I say That I've tried to tell it to go. Exhaustion kicks in and I'm Too out of it to even lift a finger I try to shut it out But trepidation will always linger. So, back to the bed, it is for me Back to my restless reverie I'll dream of a better life there And pray for it to come true.

If I were a poet, I'd fear words failing me. If I could sing, I'd cower at losing my voice. If I were a dancer, I'd dread losing a limb. But here I am, with nothing; no need to be afraid, Still, trepidation courses through my veins, Setting my nerves ablaze. What do I owe the displeasure to? I question every little thing that troubles me And ultimately end up questioning myself Because, at last, am I not the cause of my own agony? Why do I even need to be afraid? Even if my demise is tomorrow What is it that I'm so afraid of losing? With these thoughts in mind, Shouldn't I be living as free as a bird? But here I am with foreboding angst outlaid.

If I'm brave enough to cut deep enough Will I be able to cut off All the portions I dislike? Tear those away from All my remaining flesh and bones In hopes to salvage what was left behind Once they're gone I'll convert the scars into something beautiful Like one covers a bad tattoo But till those parts of me are here I'll weep and hope for courage to never come Because, perhaps, I hold beauty in this eccentric way too   

I   despise strong emotions, I get overwhelmed easily. I don't like strong sentiments, Yet they engulf me repeatedly.   I'm no glorious soul, I get antagonized frequently. I hate powerlessness, And I tend to want control. So what do I do? I come up with lies, I deceive. I live the facade, Because I'm always ready to flee. I hide behind my delusions, To preserve what's left. Then I work my way up Skillfully crafting many more illusions.

 BEING CHEERFUL Is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you smile, When life makes you lose and bend Why is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you hope for better When given the stick's short end. All I see are moping faces Trending by grieving Grieving to their latest sorrow Having no hope for tomorrow. Is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you stand tall, Even after your own downfall. Why is being cheerful going out of trend? Like the way you cheer, And drink to your competitor's success's beer.

 ENCHANTING DREAMS Do I look stupid? Running away from dreams that enchant me? Enchanted less, I feel haunted more now. I wish I could ignore them or at least, I wish I could fulfil them. But how do you continue without hope? How do you continue without direction? How do you achieve what seems impossible? These are dreams I see with open eyes, They don't let me sleep. These are the dreams I want to fight for... But these are also the dreams I'm fighting against. It's because these dreams have the power, The power to ruin what I'm working so hard for. But these dreams, they also are the power, The power I hold on to so I don't crumble, Crumble to pieces and fall down on the dusty ground. [-sincerely, a dreamer whose goals are defined by society.]